The Best of Matt Barker of Buckeye Banter: Michigan Week Jokes & One-Liners
Did you know I use to be a stand-up comedian? All of these at one time were posted as a Facebook status during Michigan Week @ www.facebook.com/buckeyebanter.
– The University of Michigan: Putting the “UM” in DUMB since 1817.
– Practice in Ann Arbor was delayed for two hours yesterday when one of the players happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the field. RichRod immediately suspended practice as the FBI was called in, who later determined that the substance was actually the goal line. Practice resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not encounter the substance again.
– BuckeyeBanter.com has just learned that Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez is only going to dress 20 players for the Ohio State game on Saturday. I guess over the course of 11 games so far this season, the other 80 players have learned to get dressed by themselves.
– Most teams have a motivational sign in the locker room that a player sees before heading out to the field. At USC it says, “I’m In.” At Notre Dame it says, “Play Like a Champion Today.” At Michigan, though, the sign says, “Don’t Forget Your Helmet!”
– What’s the difference between a Michigan football player and a Michigan cheerleader? One sucks on the field, while the other sucks on the sidelines.
– Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez held a news conference in which he fought back tears after allegations surfaced that he broke strict NCAA rules that forbid coaches from requiring players to perform more than 20 hours of practice time a week, but it’s clearly evident that they haven’t been practicing football.
– So, Michigan has a 5-6 record and yet they have been accused of extra practice time? One wonders if masturbating is considered “practice time.”
– You can’t spell humiliation without “UM.” You can’t spell rectum without “UM,” either.
– Did you know, it’s common courtesy in Ohio to say “All In For Michigan” when you flush?
– How can you tell when a Michigan girl just got knocked up? Her step-brother is smoking a cigarette.
– What’s the difference between a Michigan football player and a rock? A rock would get a higher SAT score.
